Life

Life has been very difficult the past few days. Some of our absolute worst. The other night I came home from small group with the kids and Zach was high. That is pretty difficult for me. I had been sleeping in a separate room for two nights because I've been so hurt by him, and that night I couldn't sleep because he had a movie on. I honestly think a lot of my reaction came about as a result of sleep deprivation, but I felt extremely stuck and depressed when I came out of the room and saw he was even more high than he'd been earlier in the evening. I decided I couldn't take it and spent the night with Ava at my parents' house. I repeated that the next evening as well. I talked with both my parents and they were fully supportive of a separation, in light of all that has gone on and that little change has been made on Zach's end. In the interest of my safety they thought it may be best if I left for a time, since it was clearly depressing me.

By the second morning, after a good night of sleep, I knew very clearly what I was, and am, to do. I know without question that I am to stay with this man. I am to love him unconditionally and drop all expectations of him. To love me the way I want/need. To be sober. To not drink too much. To like me. To stay away from yucky influences. These things I have held on to. Well, no longer. This is going to be a very challenging, difficult, lonely road. But I am not alone. And, I am not my own. I died to myself when I chose to follow Jesus. It is His life that I live. Please pray for me!